Oh my fucking god, that was good my darling.
It's been, what? 2 months? 3? since I last saw Toby face-to-face- we talk on skype/webcam occasionally (I hate webcams, make me look fat and ugly, less said the better.) MSN is a daily and nightly thing, as are texts- we've even sent some letters, which are completely awesome to recieve (handwritten letters, words, whole sentences! Some little thing you found on your desk and taped to it because it was interesting to you just at that second, beautiful- I love this about Toby, he's forever picking things up and just handing them to me to look at, which I hadn't realised was something I missed, not seeing him.)
Anyway, he's home really early for christmas break, and he came over (I can't drive, STILL, fucking driving) pretty much straight away and we had a moment on the doorstep, where I didn't say anything, just looked at him, chin tilted down, eyes up, in this stupidly girly way, and he stepped over the threshold and grabbed me, he said "shut up you tease" (I still hadn't said anything *dreamy sigh*) and he just gave me this fuck-me-till-I-can't-walk-straight kiss. It was so stupidly stupidly teen-movie that I couldn't stop laughing, and I didn't even bother to offer him tea before we both set about totally ignoring a movie.
Aaaaaaah, my Bun is back, all is well, I am no longer feeling like killing myself (I wasn't really, not really.) because O. M. G Toby may have been at uni, but he was just as starved for attention as I was. Thank fuck my parents know that "We're gonna watch a movie upstairs" means "leave us alone or be cursed with awkwardness for the next 5 years because you saw something neither of us wants you seeing" because a certain amount of those not-walking-straight activities occured. Oh, sweet sweet Bunny, you have learned well- apparently enforced celibacy does the boy GOOD. (Or maybe I was just so sex-starved it seemed better, bwahaha- like when you're really hungry a food you usually hate tastes like heaven- not that I "usually hate" the taste of Toby- it's a delicate sort of taste, kind of warm and lovely, very moreish.)
We were total nerds and watched a yaoi movie, we were cracking up too too much to really take it seriously, it had a very Japanese name, something daite ita.. I can't spell, it was more plotty and mildly (MILDLY!) less smutty than what Toby has previously found on the internet, but we weren't really watching it anyway, hehe. We just had fun copying it, jokingly at first, "Oh, Iwaki-san!" for some reason I get the feeling Toby had seen it before, as he very quickly jumped into play-acting the Seme, as per usual. He loves to call me his uke, just because I'm like 1 inch shorter than him. Having a boyfriend this into Japanese stuff is sort of sweet, sort of frustrating and sort of embarassing, as he is so certain that no one knows this little bits of massacred-Japanese that he has no qualms in calling me an uke in public, which has gotten me a sort of surprised, embarassed, mildly-turned on smile from one girl (to my knowledge!) already- who knows how many shoppers and food-service people with a background in the Japanese language have been giggling at us without my knowledge?
Anyway, Bun- I feel better but by no means am I done with you yet. i think it's your turn to be "reciever" and my turn to be "attacker." (see, I know what uke and seme mean too bun.) if you're bothering to check this then bwahaha- You will find that I am kind to bunnys- I require only that they submit to me like a good boy. (and then take over if I get embarassed.)
I'm getting a little bit jittery, if I'm honest.
This summer's been awesome, lovely, beautiful, etc. Toby and I have got to spend plenty of time together, and well.. we've got to spend plenty of time together ;) that's for another time (I've yet to decide if I'm telling him about you, bloggy.)
But Summer's pretty much over now, and the harsh reality of my life is coming into focus. University. Or, rather- Toby and University or, more importantly- Toby is going to University and I am not. I'm not an idiot, please be aware, I got plenty of offers (and got 3 A's to boot) but, for some reason I chose to defer my place (ok, I know the reason) the reason, which I just mentioned, is thusly- I was fucking cacking my pants over it. Everything went a bit fuzzy, for some reason, there were problems with accomodation, I was doubting my course choice and, in the end, I started getting super-anxiety and decided, in the way that only one suffering from crippling anxiety can, that the only option was to not go this year, so I called up ooni (yes, I pronounce it with a hard-u when I can get away with it) and asked abotu deferring- all was well and I'm going next year.
Parents were fine with it, I told them I was worried about money, and wanted to take a year out to work and earn up some savings. They seemed to think this was pretty mature. I felt a bit better. This was like 5/6 weeks ago- I still haven't got a job. The reason being, I haven't even begun to look yet. I don't know what's stopping me, really. I had an office job at the beginning of summer, but it was soul crushing and so boringly brainless that I was actually... really bad at it. It's like, I was surrounded by idiots and I was the only one who couldn't do the work. I got so bored that I made the same stupid mistakes over and over. It made me fear for my future pretty severely. I quit, before they could fire me. I think I want to do something kind of... more hands-on, maybe retail, or something in a coffee shop, that kinda thing. again, parents are fine with that, but they're getting to the stage now where they're starting to ask when I'm going to start looking. Phrases like "rent" pop up. I'm pretty much cacking myself again-
I've gotten so lazy, and I'm terrified of work- what if they hate me? I don't want to be the new-guy, I don't want to have to answer "So do you have a girlfriend?" with "I'm seeing someone, yes." and then get asked "what's her name!?" and have people inform me that "'Tobie' is an interesting name, what's she like?" and then get momentarily blank stares when I tell them that "HE is great, he's into mechanics- no, not cars, mechanical engineering..." I'd have thought people would get the message that, when asked "do you have a girlfriend?" a young man who pauses and then replies "well, I'm seeing someone" is probably talking about a guy. I'd have thought that this would be considered normal. I would not have thought that this would be answered with "OMG! You're GAY?! *EXCITED SQUEEL*" this is not a fucking anomally. There's clearly at least 2 of us. Eventually I'd just say "No, I'm gay, I have a boyfriend though." this got similar results- I don't get office-girls reactions to gay men. It's like i instantly became their "sister" or something. This is seriously not something I've ever had a fucking problem with before, it's like the kind of idiots who work there had heard of "the gays" before but never met one, and instantly assumed that all of "us" must be really femme and be interested in sharing hair-care advice and "bitching."
This must have been a particularly bad office, I can't believe that the world is like this. Hell, even in SCHOOL (hellpit of judgementalism) people didn't care. I was never asked "So, are you a bottom or a top? hehehehehe" (well, once by a certain someone, but that was more of a logistics exercise ;) ) it's like.. "jesus, none of your fucking business- do you ever strap on a dildo and do your boyfriend?" Why is it that people consider it ok to ask about my sex life? It's like geez, just because my sexuality is different to yours and I corrected your assumption that I was straight, that doesn't mean I'm open about ALL aspects of my sexuality. But you can't say that, you've got to make nice-nice, so I just kind of... looked aghast and muttered something like "that's not really-you know-" and in return got this sort of "oh, I understand" which seemed to ooze with the unspoken assumption that I take. People (well, these women) seem to forget that the possibilities are somewhat greater when both partners have both options. While I may have preferences (who doesn't?) they're not the kind of thing which I consider appropriate to talk about at work.
Anyway, this is a seriously grumpy first-post, I'm actually really nice! I'll be happier later! It's just that it's late and I haven't slept enough the last few days! ^^"
I don't know what's got me joining up to all these sites today, either I'm finally getting organised or the insomnia's setting in (I'd go for the latter) Tobe's has Vox, so I suppose that now we can spy on each other!
I'll write a better post in a second, but I'm sick of having an empty page *nervous laugh*
